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Knitting Through the Knots
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January 15, 2023As a new “empty nester” I’ve begun the process of reinventing myself…exploring new hobbies and ways to embrace the “senior” years ahead. After a season of raising my children and now having more free time; my mind has been racing with a multitude of ideas. I’ve always wanted to make a scarf for my eldest as a Christmas gift. I thought it would allow me the opportunity to learn this new skill and to pray for Him in new ways as I navigated stitch after stitch. I found myself reminiscing over the 31 years of his life as I knit the yarn over and over again.
The process of learning to create rows of knitted yarn was such a gift to me, but only after some very disheartening and painful moments of unraveling the rows of mistakes and fixing the knots and having to start all over again. I’m no quitter, but to invest hours of time to make something special and then to realize you’ve made too many uneven rows was quite the blow to my confidence. How many parallels did I see to the parenting journey! How many times my life with him was going so well and then I’d be sidetracked by a mistake or misstep-one that I created un intentionally or he did. Sometimes others created chaos in our relationship that needed mending.
I meditated a great deal about my life journey with him because I was actually able to sit and ponder in the quietness and be intentional without distractions. I needed to sit in the hopelessness at times and realize I really needed support. On several occasions I needed to meet with more seasoned knitters. Lovely women stepped forward to support me and to reassure me that it would get better and eventually, I’d make fewer and fewer mistakes. As a community they empowered me to stay on course. They lifted me up and I persevered!
Isn’t that what we are supposed to do as the Body of Christ? We are invited to be our best selves and give ourselves the time and space to make the mistakes and learn from them. Our good Father in heaven provides so many resources to help us when we are struggling. Through prayer and the sacraments, we are given the grace to invite others into our lives to help and heal. Knitting through the knots was a humbling exercise that surprisingly ran parallel to my own spiritual life course. As I was knitting I started wondering who else was struggling around me that perhaps needed my help as well?
Over the weeks, I often reflected and meditated on this beautiful Psalm 139-13-17: “For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them existed.”
I was able to find comfort and new perspectives that not only was I fearfully and wonderfully made, but I was given this extraordinary privilege of being a Mother-his Mother. I created and was created in the image and likeness of God and albeit, not perfect—still wonderfully made.
Eventually as I got close to the end of my project I became more comfortable with my mistakes and decided to actually leave them there amidst the “perfect rows”. I was able to embrace the knots as a sign and symbol of the grace I will always need to ask for help as will my son from those more knowledgeable than us. I was able to feel free in letting the need for perfection go and leave in my “special touches”--as one master knitter explained a mistake to me. In the end—the imperfect gift was actually just right after all. My son now has a physical representation of my forever unconditional love and prayers for him. The knots were worth it after all and the scarf was a gift to both of us.
